Intro
So, you’re ready to begin character development. Here’s the tricky part: just like with everything, to make realistic characters, you need to research. In this case, you need to have a better understanding of how humans operate.
By the end of this blog post, you’ll have a better understanding of how childhood bonds develop our behavior and emotional connection to others in adulthood.
Click through to each attachment style below.
Why care about Attachment Styles?
Writers make up a category of artists, and what do artists do? They imitate real life, draw inspiration from physical models, and create an original adaptation. In comparison, writers do the same thing.
Research, research, research. Get in the habit of making this your motto. To create an excellent, insightful piece of writing, you have to get your basic information correct and coherent if you want to begin to incorporate added levels of depth or symbolism into your story.
Now, you’re probably asking: how does learning about attachment styles improve my own character development when writing? Well, you may have some excellent ideas for a story, but the characters that are in your world fall flat.
You can tell when characters aren’t very realistic when reading. They are one-note, extremely stereotypical, or aren’t distinct enough for your reader to draw a connection to them.
It All Comes Back to Research
Writers need to practice interdisciplinary learning and information fluency. Basically, this means you should strive to be a jack-of-all-trades, learning about anything and everything as you apply your past knowledge with your newly introduced knowledge to solve problems.
To quote TopUniversities in their article, “What is Interdisciplinary Learning and Why is it Important,”
“Interdisciplinary learning empowers students to combine frameworks and concepts from multiple disciplines to examine a theme or solve a problem from different perspectives.”
Think divergent thinking. As a creative writer, you need to stay curious, expand your knowledge, and remain an active student. This is your chance to show off your knowledge while navigating the direction and flow of your writing.
Information fluency is defined as gaining skills in evaluating, utilizing, and creating information and technology across various platforms. To put it plainly, mastering how to problem-solve using past knowledge. As a writer, this skill is crucial to create worlds, characters, plots, and quality pieces.
As a writer, it is your job to apply your knowledge to the best of your ability. Reflect on your middle school experience, when you were learning about language arts and grammar. Think of the bigger you in High School, learning how to dissect literature and notice the depth in a body of work. Now, you’re off to incorporate these skills into your own writing.
So, attachment styles are the idea today. We humans all naturally have trauma, insecurities, and issues with relationships. It’s like they say, no one is perfect. Therefore, let’s dive into how to write these common behaviors in our character.
Ready to create characters, but are unsure how to specifically write realistic male and female characters? Check out the blog post below for more information to help build your character development.
Secure Attachment
In summary, there are four attachment styles. Each attachment can be thought of as how a child was nurtured, leading to the survival techniques they implement when meeting and keeping new relationships.
Starting off, we have secure attachment. Secure attachment individuals have the healthiest relationships and are often less anxious or avoidant of others, specifically those they care about, because their caregivers made them feel both safe and valued.
Early life
A secure attachment, like all four attachment styles, forms in your early life. As a child, your parents were responsive to your needs. Your emotions and opinions were not dismissed or overlooked. Your parents had a healthy relationship with you and each other.
Adult life
Next, as the individual with secure attachment moves into forming connections in their adult life, they rely on their upbringing. Secure attachment people know when they are interacting with someone who doesn’t have their best interest at heart. They know what a healthy relationship looks like from their childhood, and aren’t fooled by someone who may perform that they are a reliable interest.
In relationships, secure attachment individuals will not cling to the other person, either to seek validation or connection. They understand how to maintain appropriate boundaries, express their feelings without the fear of judgment, comfortably open up, and address issues they see fit to change.
Lastly, they don’t chase when they know they aren’t wanted. Securely attached individuals have the power to sit with themselves. They aren’t constantly seeking external validation to feel wanted. They know their worth and are able to navigate the world according to their own desires.
When Writing Secure Attachment
Now, when implementing this psychologically backed research into your own character development, try to think of a person you know who fits the description above.
How do they act when pursuing a relationship, either platonic or romantic? Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you notice how they can take their time with new friends or partners?
- Have you noticed how they maintain their own boundaries and comfortably share when they feel upset?
- Do you see that they don’t lean in when another is pulling back from the relationship because they are secure with the relationship they have with themselves?
Now, take these individuals as your real-life models. Become an artist by taking in these examples and implementing them into your own characters.
Anxious Attachment
An anxiously attached individual is scared of rejection, they are clingy, and need constant reassurance that their relationship with another is important. They feel safe but not valued.
Early Life
Growing up, an anxious attachment child starts to understand they aren’t able to get the correct attention from their caregivers. Cargivers will be inconsistent with their affection and quality time. They may have given their child reassurance from time to time. Ultimately, they weren’t a stable foundation to allow their child to feel heard or relied on.
To give you a better picture, here’s some research. To quote Pathlight in their article “Secure attachment: What it is and Why it Matters,”
Instead of going, ‘You’re here, I feel better.’ They go, ‘You’re here. I hate that you left me. Why did you leave me? Don’t leave me again.’ And that’s adaptive because if you are a kid with a caregiver who is not able to show up consistently (not perfectly, but consistently) then you have to keep your eye on them, keep watch on them, make sure that they are paying attention to you because your survival is built on your proximity to them.”
The child tries to understand why their needs are only SOMETIMES met, and the result is anxiety when relying on others.
Adult Life
Anxious attachment children grow up to struggle with relationships. They become clingy quickly, asking in various ways to their friends or partners if their relationship is valued.
They will feel safe enough to share their feelings and be themselves, but the insecurity that the other will leave them will always motivate their actions.
Since their caregivers gave them attention intermittently, they will seek similar relationships, as it was their model growing up. These individuals often are in their own heads, going back and forth on possibly minor conflicts until they are severe.
They are worried about losing their relationships constantly, and, as a result, their subconscious starts collecting data on others who may seem to start growing distant.
Unlike a secure attachment individual, they will lean in when others pull back. Since their caregivers only responded to their needs intermittently, their survival technique is to seek reassurance and external validation, rather than being able to identify their own self-worth.
When Writing Anxious Attachment
Characters with anxious attachment quickly notice unreliable individuals. However, unlike a securely attached person, they lean in and give more when someone pulls away. Due to their need for reassurance, they can be difficult friends or partners. They are clingy and overly critical when conflicts arise.
When with a partner, it is common for an anxiously attached individual to give too much and cross their own or others’ boundaries to feel valued and get their needs met.
An anxious partner can also become possessive of others or jealous when their partner is receiving outside attention.
Your characters with anxious attachment should be the same way. You should implement their caregivers’ parenting style in their backstory. Give the reader a detailed, realistic person they could easily connect to someone in their own life.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Now, let’s finish the last two attachment styles, which are both forms of avoidance. Avoidance can stem from two possible reasons, creating either dismissive avoidants or fearful/disorganized avoidants.
Early Life
As a child, a dismissive avoidant felt their presence was valued, but they weren’t safe. They retreated into a survival mode in which they had to meet their own needs by themselves since their caregivers were unreliable.
The caregivers of this attachment weren’t able to soothe their child in times of stress or deep emotion. They may see their child needs to be comforted, and they themselves aren’t good with vulnerability. Instead of helping their child, they dismiss their feelings, avoid helping, or even exaggerate the child’s feelings to react more strongly than they did.
In response, the child realizes there is no point in reaching out to be comforted. Instead, they retreat and self-soothe, learning the survival technique of solitude.
Adult Life
Once grown and out of the nest, dismissive avoidants will remain in this state of survival. They will feel valued in relationships, but not safe. They will have extreme difficulties opening up and being vulnerable.
When facing extreme emotions, they will self-isolate until they have soothed themselves. When seeing strong emotions being expressed, for example, crying, they will act like the example their caregivers gave them. They won’t understand what to do to help another soothe themselves.
Instead, dismissive avoidant will diminish these stronger emotions in others and themselves. They may even diminish others’ feelings, get uncomfortable, leave the scene, or get annoyed.
To quote Pathlight in the article cited earlier,
“When emotions come into the room, when needs come into the room in their body or someone else’s, they shut down and find something else to focus on to endure the moment without exposing their emotional state to somebody else.”
With a romantic partner, dismissive avoidants will be the opposite of anxious attachment individuals. Instead of leaning in, they are constantly pulling away due to their fear of commitment. Since their upbringing showed them that relationships aren’t reliable, they will cling to their freedom and avoid vulnerability and expressing stronger emotions.
When Writing Dissmissive Avoidant Attachment
Your characters with this attachment should struggle to express their needs and feelings. They may want to stop others from doing the same around them. Usually, they can be cold and wary of staying in a committed, long-term relationship.
They will not respond well to an anxiously attached individual who grows clingy. This is an avoidant’s worst nightmare, and they will quickly start to avoid that person, retreating to their safety of freedom and isolation.
They will desperately want to feel safe in relationships and have close connections, but their upbringing has taught them to remain distrustful and alert.
Therefore, they will follow hobbies or careers that promote this isolation. Think of traumatised solo heroes in stories who often struggle to let others help them, even when it’s desperatley imperative.
They probably struggle with discomfort while noticing others showing strong emotions. Dissimissive avoidant attachment individuals often will have many friend groups that are surface-level and inconsistent.
Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
Finally, the last attachment style again stems from avoidance. What makes this style distinct is instead of simply being dismissive of others, they cross back and forth between being anxious and avoidant.
Early Life
Normally, these individuals had horrific homelives, normally from abuse. In response to emotional or physical harm from their caregiver, the child will be confused about how to respond. They will not feel safe or valued at home.
Their caregivers’ behavior frightened the child. They may have actually been harmed or threatened with abuse while growing up. As a result, the child will either learn to cope through hiding, fighting, freezing, or fawning.
In some cases, the child actually had to take on the parental role themselves as their caregivers were unreliable. This could mean they were taking care of their siblings early on, of course themselves, but possibly, even their own parents.
Ultimately, they learned to meet others’ needs before their own, learning that theirs should be shelved and deemed unimportant.
Remember that High School bully everyone had at their school? Have you taken the time to reflect on how their parents modeled behavior to them?
Adult Life
Now older and away from their parents, the disorganized avoidant could behave in a plethora of unhealthy ways towards others.
For starters, they may become violent and threatening to others. They will avoid showing vulnerable emotions, just like the dismissive avoidant.
Also, they have the potential to become people pleasers. A people pleaser is someone who has learn the skills to adapt to others’ needs to relieve tension and ensure their own safety.
Going back to how these individuals cross the lines of anxiety and fear, when with a partner, disorganized avoidants will act both clingy and avoidant. For example, they are extremely interested in the other person on one day, yet purposely oblivious to them the next.
To quote Betterhelp in their article, “What Are The Four Attachment Styles? Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, Fearful-Avoidant,” disorganized avoidants
“may fear losing themselves in relationships, seem pessimistic, and struggle to define or accept healthy boundaries. This attachment style is typical in personality disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD) or for those who have experienced trauma in childhood.”
They haven’t had the example of feeling safe and valued growing up. Due to this, their adult life will continue to move them in these patterns of wanting connection, yet extremely distrustful of vulnerability.
When Writing Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Your characters could be too nice or too mean. Think of bullies, people with quick mood changes, and those who never seem to have many close friends.
Individuals with this attachment style will struggle to open up or stay in a consistent relationship. However, they may also act as a caregiver to everyone but themselves.
Fearful avoidants worry that others will leave them, and are also afraid of commitment. They switch up often on evaluating others’ importance in their lives, either leaning in too far or pushing away too soon.
They may be overly critical or an extreme people pleaser, desperate for appraisal and recognition for their efforts.
Watch Your Characters Come to Life
When you research for your writing, why leave out psychology? The behavior of others can always be studied and explained. So, in your writing, when developing characters with these attachment styles, back up their behavior with relevant circumstances.
If one character had a secure home life and upbringing, it doesn’t make them struggle with recognizing those who didn’t. When writing a character who struggles to be authentic, accept help, or utilizes violence to solve their issues, make sure to explain in some way how their past created these survival techniques.
Why it Matters
A well-written story can shed light on real problems that your readers can identify with and learn from. Help yourself out and put in the time to understand others around you. Understand yourself. How do you act in relation to others and why?
The greatest characters in fiction are those that readers can see similarities to people in their everyday lives. You will create characters that aren’t one-note but three-dimensional. This means their needs and wants are clear from their behaviors.
To Conclude
Every human craves connection. Yet, the way most go about it is dependent on the attachment style modeled to them as children. There are, of course, ways for everyone to reach a secure attachment despite their pasts, yet most don’t.
Therefore, make sure you are always considering the full life of your character, not just where they jump into your story.