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Introduction on Writing Love
Firstly, there’s a common idea that all we do in life is for the pursuit of love. Secondly, romance can be interwoven into every genre of writing. Therefore, by the end of this blog post, you will understand what healthy love looks like and how to incorporate it into your writing.
What is Love?
Truly, try not to sing the famous song after that headline. Moving on, we first must clarify what love is before we can tackle how to replicate it accurately. While many argue that love is either a feeling or a choice, the truth is it’s both.Â
According to bell hooks’ book All About Love, love is
“the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Love is a noun, though many wish it to be a verb. Perhaps love is the most important feeling humans can express, for it is certainly something we all wish to say we have given and received. Above all, though, love isn’t simply a sexual act; it’s a mutual understanding and appreciation for another, allowing the motivation to become a better self.Â
However, you can choose to stop or continue loving someone.Â
Learn how to write Romance novels in the blog post below!
Male vs. Female Authors of Love
Truly, we can’t discuss love without seeing it in the literary world. Most praised love stories are written by male authors, detailing the ways in which they knew they had received love. However, female authors who write about love are often claimed to be desperate to receive love.Â
Overall, the desire to be loved isn’t dependent on sex. Love, ultimately, is a want to undertake the philosophical understanding of the meaning of love in everyday life.
Love in this Generation
From a modern perspective, the younger generation is struggling to find love. They are cynical about the pursuit, distracted by propaganda to divide us more. Perhaps a significant reason for this is the sudden need to look inward and question whether they have received proper love in their own lives.Â
Another issue is the endless desire to pin sex against sex. Popular media presences have led to unhealthy views on showing love, causing a fear of being rejected or being public about one’s feelings. Men are fearful of seeming weak, whereas women are encouraged to be individualistic and look for love in their work.Â
Queer individuals continue to face significant discrimination for their own pursuit of love. Many continue to find safety in hiding feelings/relationships.Â
The Diverson to Love
Love can be romantic, platonic, or love among family. The issue lies with the sudden fear of expressing love. We must all remember to remind those in our lives who improve our quality of life that we love them and appreciate them. Love, ultimately, is such a strong emotion that it shouldn’t be used lightly, yet it should be shown nonetheless.Â
Elizabeth Wurtzel writes in Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women:
“None of us are getting better at loving: we are getting more scared of it. We were not given good skills to begin with, and the choices we make have tended only to reinforce our sense hat it is hopeless and useless.”
Additionally, we cannot forget the importance of self-love. The struggle to show love can stem from the understanding of self-hate. Love moves mountains, changes culture, brings good into the world, and our world needs love more than ever.
The Art of Eroticism
Love has significantly changed its definition for the popular romance consumer. The art of yearning is somewhat nonexistent.
Smut or hardcore porn in novels has desensitized readers as young as twelve into searching for more and more graphic material. Instead of slow-burn stories with deep yearning between partners, the climate of romance novels has turned red hot, stripping readers of stories and immediately flashing them with a dopamine overload.Â
Formerly, romance used to solely be eroticism. To define eroticism, first used in 1881, is
“the arousal of sexual feelings, a state of sexual excitement, or a quality in art and literature that evokes sexual desire.”
Let’s bring attention to the definition and notice the lack of including the actual sexual act. Erotism is the utilization of language and scenes to suggest the potential desire between individuals. It is not flashy porn; it is a dare, a hint, a glimmer into a person’s hidden desire and their actions to progress those intimate feelings.Â
Writing Erotic Love
Previous love stories are a strong example of the original eroticism and yearning that is missing in modern-day love storylines.Â
Some examples:
- Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare
- Emma by Jane Austen
- Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence
- Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
- Katherine by Anya Seton
- I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
- Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy
To understand eroticism, we first must understand its hopeful outcome of joy. Additionally, to play and to laugh also leads to the same outcome. In actuality, all three have the same components.Â
- Improve
- Willing participation
- Uncertainty
- Â Common goal of joyÂ
Past love writing isn’t dependent on the sexual act, but on the known desire to progress toward it. For example, the way you dress for a date, how you present yourself to the one you love, how you express love, and how you receive it. The writing is erotic; the actual scene usually isn’t very graphic. The weight of desire holds the story and your reader’s attention.
Smut Books and Their Impact
Truly, female readers are the target audience for smut novels. However, as the younger generations grow cynical of love and dependent on flashy porn, their view of romantic love and how to pursue it has shifted.
Dating apps have led to unsatisfying relationships and quick, transactional hookups. So, how can we expect to write about erotic love if we haven’t experienced it?Â
Finding Love
True love can be found on dating apps; this is accurate. However, amazing love stories normally start with competition, rivalry, or friendship and then bloom into more intimate feelings.
Have your characters be introduced to each other, be at the same place at the same time, be in each other’s daily routine, etc.Â
Love Languages
Next, let’s discuss the five love languages there are. Love languages are how we express and desire to receive love from another. While individuals may have demonstrated love to you, their actions may not be the correct language for you. Therefore, you must understand you may love someone and choose to stop due to this incompatibility.Â
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Gift giving
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
Healthy Love
It can be an uncomfortable realization to critically look at the model of love you had growing up, especially if that reveals you haven’t received adequate love and therefore your idea of it has been tainted.
Our first model of love is our guardians, parents, and mentors. We often find ourselves looking for partners that express love in the same way we saw our parents do. This can be extremely harmful or helpful. Additionally, attachment styles are another defining factor in how we form relationships based on the care we received as children.Â
Writing Characters in Love
Healthy LoveÂ
If we aren’t presented with a secure model of love growing up, it can be hard to reteach ourselves what healthy love looks like. Characters who grow up in a stable household with parents who express love to one another, are playful, able to forgive, and able to communicate, those characters will be on the right path to look for the same.
Check out some Romance writing prompts to help inspire your next story.
Unhealthy Love
Characters whose upbringing was dysfunctional or even abusive may come to believe that is how people show love to others and will look for similar relationships. However, people change. You may always have a character develop a deeper understanding of what healthy love looks like. If so, show how they changed and what influenced them.Â
Erotisim
Bring. Back. Yearning.
Ultimately, we all crave a long, drown out, love story deep with yearning and the space to miss each other. Remember, love involves two people, each with their own separate lives. Let your reader miss their interactions, feel their sting of separation, and their anticipation to reunite. Play out your scene; let sensual details and feelings drive your love, not graphic smut.Â
Smutt
Smutt and love will forever coexist. As humans, we crave quick gratification, and smut does just that. However, what great love stories have you read that were solely explicit love scenes? Let your story build. Let your readers fall in love with both characters separately so they can root for their connection.Â
The Drama
Impulsive Reactions
Have you ever been in love? How did you feel? What physical sensations did you notice being around that individual? Love, like anger, causes crazy impulsive decisions.
Sometimes, people push others they love away, afraid they aren’t good enough, they are saving the other, or they are afraid of how strongly they love them. Or, worse, maybe one character is ashamed of who they love and wishes to hide it. Let your characters mess up and try again.Â
Obsession
Unrequited love is a common trope for romance. If you’ve ever had a crush you were too scared to talk to, you know what I’m talking about. Obsession can be just as reactionary as love. Let your characters find their crazy, show their obsession through actions.Â
Heart Break
Lastly, the most painful feeling humans can go through is heartbreak. When characters break up or realize they aren’t good for the other, let it be clear to your reader why. Let them believe your characters must break up and still cry about it. Most love stories have a natural falling out before they can truly come back together. Leave the gap. Let your reader feel the pain of the separation. Dig deep and demonstrate the loss, as it can be something that alters people’s behavior forever.Â
Lost Love
Give your characters grace. Let them fall into a depression, lose motivation to take care of themselves, look for distraction, and ultimately find community again.
Remember, when we lose a love, we actually grieve the loss of the person they brought out of us, not necessarily the individual themselves.
But that person isn’t lost; it’s been there the whole time. What we need is to find friends and community that allow that side of ourselves out again: the unabashed, authentic, spiritually growing, and playful self that healthy love brings out of each of us.
Conclusion
How can we live in a better world if we don’t show love? The answer is simple: we can’t. Love is what everyone craves and is relevant in all our lives, so build a romance and love story of your own!
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